Psycho Billy and the Meth Mouth Mafia

Posted on Posted in Stories, The Younger Years

Psycho Billy and the Meth Mouth Mafia

This era in our childhood sticks out to me like a sore thumb. Maybe because it was so …..uhh let’s use the word thrilling.  Enter the human who self titled himself “Psycho Billy”, this was an interesting guy. This guy was exactly what you would picture a “hillbilly” to be, if we were using stereotypes. He had long shaggy looking hair, wrinkled up leathery skin from being outside doing hillbilly things all the time. Ol’ Psycho Billy was an alcoholic and drove an old beat down truck, that required a PhD in hillbilly-ism to start in the mornings. He was also super psychotic and quite proud of it. Hence the name that Jake (not from State Farm) aka “Psycho Billy” bestowed upon himself.

How my mom ever got caught up with this guy, I’ll never know. I’m not even sure when they got together. I just know that at some point he lived with us in Oklahoma. We lived right by Keystone Bridge. outside of Tulsa. Not under it (surprised you there didn’t I?), I am laughing to myself as I digress. We lived in a seedy trailer park with equally seedy people. Which thinking back on it, we were pretty seedy and shady too. Maybe we just fit in, were those our people?

We spent our days jumping off the bridge, riding bikes into the area they filmed Deliverance and being hoodlums. We often ran back and forth across the turnpike to get snacks at the run down gas station on the other side.

As usual our friends were meth addicts with no teeth, adults who lived with their parents, and wannabe thugs. They did have some pretty good video games and I usually beat them. Naturally, since I was the only one not high.

Life with Jake was pretty bad from the get go, literally day 1 and only continued to get worse. I recall it was around 4th of July when things took a turn for the crazy. I had a friend over and he just randomly walks over and slaps him in the back of the head. Yes, someone else’s kid! My mom sees this, sprints across the room like a running back and spears him into the ground. Next thing I know she is wailing on his face like Ralphie on the Christmas Story.

It was AWESOME! Seriously, don’t jack with my mom.

That night my mom waited until he passed out drunk to steal a few bucks from his wallet to buy us some fireworks.

After that day he pretty much just drank and hated us more. The Billy switch was locked in Psycho mode.

Final round, FIGHT!

Within a few days my Mom and him got into a huge fight. I walked into the living room to see him coating the entire house with Turpentine. He was basting our trailer like it was a holiday turkey and the turpentine was his special blend of spices and melted butter. He was going to burn the trailer to the ground with everything inside, including all of us! As he flicked his Zippo (of course he had a Zippo) trying to light it, my older brother came across the room and supermanned him in the face. He hit him so hard that his glasses shattered. A shard of eyeglass actually went in his eye (I wish I was making this shit up). We all ran outside and over to the neighbors to call the cops. Yes, we were actually calling the Five-O from the meth house.

We inform the Meth Mafia and they decide they are going to keep us safe until the cops show up. They go into their back room and all come out locked and loaded….. with BB guns. For the next 30 minutes we sat outside with BB gun toting, toothless gangsters, while they told us stories of how badass they used to be.

Eventually, the cops showed up and we all waved our goodbyes as they loaded Jake in the back of the police car. Psycho Billy never did burn that trailer down and that was the last time we saw him.

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